When Success Changes Shape: The Silent Strain Between Parents and Adult Children

For many of us, parents are our real-life superheroes whose words and actions carry profound influence throughout our lives. Even those who once rebelled often acknowledge that their parents’ words still carry a lot of weight. Every parent’s dream is to have their children succeed. For many generations, success was about going to school, getting a job, getting married, and having children; preferably in this order. But in the past few decades, something fundamental has changed. In fact, people jokingly say that “They told us that education was the key but someone changed the locks”.

In many ways, “the locks” have changed; for example, more than 600,000 students graduate from Ugandan universities every year with only 100,000 jobs available. During our parents’ youth, the prospect of finishing school came with promises of stable opportunities. Today, advancements in technology have altered the workplace, making some jobs obsolete while AI threatens others. In addition, the cost of living has skyrocketed. What cost a handful of coins now feels very expensive yet salaries struggle to keep up. For example, 1000ugx in the 90s was more than enough to buy you snacks like samosas, mangoes, sweets for a whole school week. Now you can’t even buy 5 small buns. As a result, our lives have diverged sharply from those of our parents and grandparents. In fact, it’s difficult to accurately predict what the future holds for our children.

These shifts have led to a silent tension between generations, especially between parents and their adult children. Many people find it hard to speak openly about this, fearing disappointment, isolation, or simply running into parents ‘old ways of thinking. But these quiet clashes affect many, especially millennials. Perhaps hearing the stories of others can shed light on what so many are feeling.

Pato is a first-born son, and from a young age he did as his parent told him so that he could model good behavior for his younger siblings especially the brother who follows him. After university, he got a job at a bank upcountry, driven both by responsibility and the hope of supporting his family. He pushed himself to work over 90 hours a week—not because it was his dream, but because he wanted to make his family proud. His mother, in particular, felt immense pride in telling others about her son’s job at a bank. But the pressure from work and family was relentless. At just 25, Pato suffered a heart attack. That frightening wake-up call forced him to rethink his life; he realized he needed to follow his true passion for design, even though the path was uncertain and savings were scarce. Supported by friends and sheer determination, Pato gradually built a graphics business and started a family of his own. Almost a decade later, the relationship with his mother remains strained. Both love each other deeply, but the old expectations still linger between them.

Brenda is a middle child, and in typical style has always led life differently from her siblings. After graduating with a first-class degree, she managed to secure a job and was excited to start a new chapter of her life on her own terms. When she was about 26 years old, her mother started pestering her to get married, even when her older sister was still unmarried. Her mother went as far as finding her suitors and forcing her to “at least meet them before she declined”. When this didn’t work, the mother brought out all the possible religious cards to get her to cave into marriage, even if she was not ready. This pressure built up until she spiraled into a depression. During one of our conversations, she asked, “Why does my mother hate me so much? Nothing I ever do will ever be enough in her eyes? Now she is forcing me to get married by threatening me with God and religion, yet she wasn’t forced to get married?” Although Brenda never considered ending her life, the hopelessness she felt was profound. With time, professional help, and supportive friends, she rebuilt herself. This was more than 5 years ago. She recently got married to a man of her choice, but she still carries a wound that will take time to heal. Yet her mother sees all this as the past.

In both stories, the immense weight of parental expectations, often from mothers, reveals how deeply old definitions of “success” are embedded in family dynamics. As a mother myself, I understand that the success of children falls on the mother because of culture and our nurturing instincts. Yet, the world that adult children are living in calls for parents to be advisors and coaches, not teachers or guides. Therefore, parents of adult children must parent with empathy and understanding rather than judgment or comparison. They should listen patiently, ask questions with an open heart, and let their guidance be shaped by curiosity, not tradition or fear. As a people, religion and faith have taken a front seat in our lives, and it shouldn’t imprison one’s thinking or burden children, but rather be a source of strength and wisdom. For adult children facing similar challenges: You are not alone. Find a safe space and trusted people, whether friends, mentors, or professionals, to share your struggles and rediscover your voice.

Have you lived through something similar? How did you find your way? Sharing these stories helps bridge the generation gap and reminds us all that understanding and genuine support pave the way for families to grow closer, even in times of change. Share this with someone who might need it. Share with a parent of adult children because they may not be aware of the hurt they are inflicting.

PS: Pseudonyms have been used. Credit: Image generated by Craiyon