Birth Order, Boundaries and Learning to Parent the Child in front of me

Recently, there are many conversations about the effect of birth order on us; how we relate to our parents, siblings, children, and significant others.

From a tender age, I have been very aware of the responsibility that comes with being a first-born daughter. The overarching responsibilities are being a good example to my siblings, and appropriately representing my parents in society. I saw this firsthand as my mum is a first-born daughter to over 35 siblings. Because of this, our home has always been the “stop” for those coming to Kampala. My mum has played various roles including; people gatherer (akumakuma bantu), guardian, mediator, peace maker, advisor, etc. Watching her, I have picked up many wonderful values and behaviors, as I subconsciously took the mantle from her and started doing the same for other people.

The downside: Boundaries, Burnout, and lessons learned

Not all these are colorful because some traits are detrimental to first-borns; top of the list is “putting everyone before self.” Giving of oneself is not the problem, but not knowing when to say NO, when to be moderate, or even pause is where many first-born daughters meet burnout, resentment, depression, and anxiety. I have been down this road and it is dark and hollow, something I don’t wish on anyone. When I had just started working, a relative called me to say that her children were sick and they had no food. I gave them all the money I had at that time and only remained with transport money to take me to and fro work for the week, with hopes that I get salary by end of the week. The whole week I prayed that nothing out of the ordinary happened, such as me or my sister falling sick and needing immediate medical attention. As much as I had “saved lives,” mine was left hanging in balance with nothing to fall back on. This is one of many instances that I look back on and realize that boundaries are not for other people but one’s sanity.

Healing and a shift in perspective

This continued for many years, until I couldn’t take the pressure anymore, then I slipped into resentment and depression. On my healing journey, I wished I could also pass onto my mother the “self-regulation” tools I picked up. Unfortunately, it is not as easy as it seems because sometimes our parents have been in this mode for too long; they can’t imagine that life can still be full with appropriate boundaries. Others are in too deep that it feels like an insult to their whole being and belief system if you ask them to regulate.

Boundaries across generations and the parenting pivot

I have also realized that although we try to create boundaries with our “first families,” we may be oblivious to the fact that we need to work harder not to pass on these beliefs to our “new families.” This realization hit me in my first year as a new mother. Even before the scan was done, I had a strong feeling that I was carrying a boy. It was a mixture of emotions but fear was high on the list as I kept wondering how I was going to raise a boy. If it was a girl, I had the “blueprint and lived experience”, so it “wouldn’t be so hard,” I often thought to myself. Although parenting doesn’t come with a manual, the way we were raised is usually the place we look first.

The gift of a son and unlearning the blueprint

In hindsight, my first child being a boy has been the greatest gift to me as a parent. The “blueprint and lived experience” I had prepared to pass on to the girl was deeply flawed as I had subconsciously decided that I would make them into the first-born daughter I am. Now that I had a son, and no blueprint, I was forced to unlearn and re-learn a lot. To do this, I read books on parenting, listened to podcasts, watched YouTube channels and got advice from my friends with sons. One of the greatest lessons I have learned is to parent the child in front of me, not the one in my imagination. Secondly, I question my instincts when it comes to discipline and guidance.

Real-time reflection: a concrete moment

On several occasions, my instinct has been to yell or threaten my son to “get him in line.” However, I have been pleasantly surprised when I try a different approach. About two weeks ago, my three-year-old son dashed from the bedroom, almost knocking the door off its hinges. I wanted to shout because I had warned him several times that doors are not play things. I followed him to the bathroom and was ready to scold him and give him a few slaps. I didn’t immediately barge into the toilet as we are trying to teach privacy and boundaries. So, I waited outside the door, fuming, ready to jump on him as soon as he got out. And when he did, he immediately said, “I ran here quickly so that I don’t pee on the bed.” In that moment, I realized that I would have scolded him for being conscious enough not to wet the bed. A lesson, in asking what is happening before I react, is what I took away from this.

Although, i am figuring out parenting on the go, i know that most of the approaches we instinctively use are “inherited” from our childhoods. But they may not be the most appropriate for the child in front of you or even the situation you are in. In my mother tongue we have a saying “omwana aisana omuzaire” to mean that your child is more like you in more ways than you might imagine. Nonetheless, they are still individuals growing up in different conditions and times.

What next?

I can only speak from a first-born daughter point of view; therefore, I would like to hear from you about your birth order, how it has shaped your relationships with parents, siblings, and now children.

Credit: Image generated by Deep AI