The Silent Struggle: My Journey Through Depression and Rediscovery

What does depression feel like? It’s watching your favorite show, but it no longer brings you any joy. It’s eating your favorite food, but it tastes bland. It’s feeling a hollowness where your heart should be, with nothing you do or say able to fill that emptiness. It’s walking home but dreading to enter your house because you fear being alone with your thoughts. It’s watching the sun yet not seeing the rays or the flowers it nourishes. It’s walking under the warm sun but feeling a coldness in your soul. It’s yearning for a big, hearty laugh, but all you can muster is a strained chuckle or tears. It’s being alone in a sea of friends, where instead of smiling faces, you see gloom and doom. It’s feeling like a broken, defective human being who doesn’t deserve anything.

This was my reality from mid-2018 until mid-2019. I didn’t realize I was depressed until I shared my feelings with a friend (Alison). The next step was understanding why I felt this way and what I could do to get better. I knew therapy was the answer, but I also understood that my issues might not be fully grasped by a Japanese therapist. My Japanese wasn’t strong enough, and many of my struggles were deeply rooted in cultural expectations, such as the societal need to marry and have children by a certain age, and the expectation to buy land and build a house. I felt that a typical Japanese or even Caucasian therapist wouldn’t be equipped to help me through this ordeal.

My only source of information and “self-medication” was the internet. I learned that I had to find an outlet for the never-ending loop of thoughts in my head, so I began journaling frantically. I also realized that I wasn’t a “defective human being” nor was my “mind broken.” It would take significant internal work to return to a semblance of normalcy, and I had to be patient, accepting that this journey might take months or even years. Above all, I needed to confront my demons by identifying my triggers and finding ways to cope.

The triggers were numerous, but the feeling of being left behind was particularly prominent. In 2018, I was in my second year of my master’s program, and by April 2019, I was set to start my doctorate. Meanwhile, many of my friends were getting married, having children, or moving into their dream homes. Others were achieving their career aspirations. All I felt I had to show for my time was an academic document, and that thought weighed heavily on me.

There were times I would lie in my bed and think to myself “If I wake up on the other side, I will be ok with God’s decision because I am of no use to anyone anyway.” I never thought of taking my life at any point, but I couldn’t escape the raw feelings of uselessness and worthlessness because I thought I was taking up space that I didn’t deserve.

Social media, especially Facebook, exacerbated my situation. I could see the evidence of my perceived failures and felt like I was trailing far behind in life. I initially deactivated my account, but after a day, I missed it so much that I reactivated it. Eventually, at a low point, I bit the bullet, changed my login credentials, wrote them down, and deactivated my account again. The next few days were agonizing; my instinct was to scroll through Facebook, but without my login information, I had nothing to distract me from the broken movie of my life playing on repeat in my head. I needed to fill that void quickly!

My then-boyfriend (now husband) had shared his Kindle and Audible account credentials with me in 2017. He had a rich library, but I had never taken advantage of it. He even gifted me a book, “The Last Black Unicorn” by Tiffany Haddish, which I had never read. As I desperately sought distractions, I finally decided to read that gift. It had been over a decade since I had read for fun, but now I was reading for my survival, for my sanity. I laughed so hard while reading Tiffany’s book that midway through, I bought other books I planned to read afterward. Just like that, I found my smile again. While reading wasn’t the only thing that helped me out of depression, it played a significant role in my healing journey. Since 2018, I have read over 120 books across various genres, including self-help, fiction, biographies, and history.

Depression was a challenging period, made even more difficult by the lack of a solid community around me. I did slip back a couple of times, but each time, I recognized the signs early and addressed my triggers before slipping deeper. In our world, filled with triggers, it has become “normal” to feel depressed or anxious. I don’t wish this on anyone, but I must say that this episode was one of the biggest turning points in my life. It allowed me to explore the darkest parts of myself, heal some of those wounds, and become more self-aware and empathetic toward others. One of the greatest bonuses was reigniting my passion for reading, which has also inspired me to start blogging again.

I wish healing and warm hugs to everyone going through something similar. Remember, you are not “defective” nor “useless.” The “movies” in your head are just that—movies. The beauty is that you can create nicer ones, but it will take time. And if you can, get therapy as soon as you can. Have you experienced depression? I invite you to share how you overcame it and the unexpected lessons you learned along the way.

Credit: Cover image generated by Generate Word Cloud