The Paternal Grip: Unravelling Families, Reweaving Connection

The Complexity of Patrilineal Traditions

The majority of African tribes are patrilineal. Therefore, we get our names, mother tongue, and cultural norms from our father's side of the family. In many ways, it gives one belonging. When one dies, the resting place is usually at the paternal side unless otherwise stipulated. In many Bantu tribes of Uganda, the paternal aunt was responsible for preparing girls for marriage, counselling and advising them while they were married. I believe most of these practices were aimed at creating a harmonious society, but this is far from what we have witnessed.

The Harsh Realities of Familial Dynamics

While not all paternal relatives are inherently problematic, the lived experiences paint a challenging picture. We all know an "Asiimwe" whose father passed away, and the paternal relatives claimed everything, leaving nothing to the bereaved family. A "Nakintu" who has no kind words for her parents because her mother has endured verbal and sometimes physical attacks from them. An "Adong" whose parents are constantly humiliated at family gatherings because of their financial status.

Changes in society, such as cross-culture marriages, rural-urban migration, have not loosened the "paternal grip" on descendants. This is not to say that all paternals are bad, nor are all maternals saints. Unfortunately, it's the reality we live in, and it is an issue we must start talking about openly.

Personal Encounters with Familial Disconnection

Growing up, I met my paternal grandfather once at a wedding of one of his daughters. I was about 6 years old, and I truly don't remember much, but there are many photos of my dad's half-siblings in the family album. That is how we know them.

On several occasions, I would meet some of them on the streets of Kampala or Fort-Portal, we would recognize each other, but they would pass by me or take a different route. In my young mind, all I wanted was to say hello to "an uncle", what was going on in their adult mind, I now wonder.

My siblings and I often wondered why we were never invited to "family gatherings," and yet we were aware that my father was the person they called to rescue them when they were in trouble. As teenagers, we realized that we were the "unwanted cousins", and that freed us. In addition, our parents always reminded us that they would always be there for us and that our maternals would never abandon us.

A Turning Point: The Introduction Ceremony

After more than 20 years of this isolation, some of them dared to assert their "paternal rights" and make demands at my sister's introduction ceremony. The original plan was that there would be no dowry discussions because my father doesn't believe in "selling his daughters." However, as the ceremony started, some of the guests proposed to halt the ceremony so that dowry negotiations would commence.

The ceremony eventually proceeded as planned. This doesn't negate the fact that the people who were invited out of courtesy would forget that they have no right to the fruits whose seeds they didn't nourish in any way. This is not an isolated case because we have seen reports of absentee fathers and relatives ruining graduation and introduction ceremonies, simply because culture dictates that the paternal side should be present at certain ceremonies. No wonder some people have opted to hire ssengas (paternal aunts) for their introduction ceremonies.

Breaking the Cycle: A Personal Commitment

I am a paternal aunt now. Knowing all that I know and experiencing all that I have, I want to do better. My sister and I are constantly discussing how we should break this vicious cycle.

We have concluded that, most importantly, we should continue having a good and respectful relationship with our brothers. Secondly, we should build a friendly relationship with their wives by initiating communication, being present for the children's milestones, and letting them know that we are a call away in good times and bad times.

How am I doing? Not as well as I would like for various reasons, but at least my brothers know that my sister and I can be trusted to step up and stand with their families in case of anything. This is an important step in the grand scheme of things, but more importantly, I would like to genuinely gain the trust of my nephews and nieces. This is a work in progress.

A Call for Collective Growth

Harmony in families and societies is key for the prosperity of the collective, as is culture and tradition. But there are aspects, especially attitudes, that no longer serve us in this day and age, and must be put to bed.

However, first we must talk about why they don't, how we can change, and how to move forward without endangering our moral fiber any further. I would like to hear your thoughts. How is your relationship with your paternals? Are there things you would like to change about your relationship? As a paternal now, how are you changing the narrative?

Let's discuss, let's learn, and grow together.

Credit: Image generated by Claude 3.5 Haiku