The Gift of Siblings: Building strong relationships through intention, laughter and forgiveness

“Ab’oluganda bita, bwebikoonagana tebyatika.” Its loose translation is “no matter what happens amongst siblings, they always find a way to make up.” I am fortunate to have a solid relationship with my biological siblings and all the other siblings that God sent to our home. I am often asked how we created such a strong bond. One thing is for certain, we all made it work because a relationship is not one-way. To give a brief background, my mum is the first-born daughter of over 40 siblings (biological, half, and cousins). She is big-hearted and welcomes every person to our home. We have also seen how close she is with her siblings; despite their fights and disagreements over the years. Our maternal aunties and uncles have loved us with everything they have. As siblings, we have grown up seeing the rawness of sibling love. This has extended beyond us (my sister, brother, and me) to our cousins.

In a rather contrasting view, our paternal side isolated our family. We never felt welcome and we quickly realized that all we had was each other. Having known what it felt like to be “the other family”, we bonded over this and unconsciously opened our minds and hearts to our other siblings (cousins) that came to stay at our home. As much as possible, we made them feel welcome by including them in all activities. For example, we taught them all the games we played as a family so that they would join in. And of course, our parents wouldn’t have it any other way, for different reasons. My dad partly grew up in relatives’ homes while my mum grew up in a home that hosted others.

Bridging the Age Gap: The Power of Communication

Many people believe that children have to be close in age to be close, but that is not true for us. I am 5 and 9 years older than my biological siblings, and we are as thick as thieves. I must also admit that because of this age difference, I was not very close to my sister in our younger days until I joined high school. It was then that my urge to “protect” my siblings grew stronger. I didn’t know what to do at the beginning, so I simply spoke to them about my day, my friends, things I was planning to do, or things I learned in boarding school. In turn, I would ask about their day and their friends. This helped me to know their likes and dislikes. By the time they joined high school, we were talking about almost everything in our lives, apart from relationships. In a typical African home of the day, relationships were kind of taboo. Nonetheless, this opened up communication lines among us, and these lines have been key to strengthening our relationships.

Game Nights and Family Bonds: Shared Interests

We also bonded over shared interests, an aspect that was unconsciously spearheaded by our father. Almost every evening of my childhood was characterized by board or card games, usually after dinner. We often played matatu (ordinary card game), ludo, snakes and ladders, and sets, a card game that was played in Old Kampala where I grew up. Our dad was (and still is) good at all these games, especially ludo and sets, that even if we ganged up against him (4-1), he still won. Sometimes, we would spend our evenings strategizing on how to win against him. And when those rare occasions happened, we celebrated loudly. We also watched TV shows together, like wrestling, sometimes into the wee hours of the night. These are some of the memories we still bond over, despite staying in different cities.

Navigating Conflict: Forgiveness and Growth

One might wonder if we ever argue, disagree, or even fight. Yes, we do. We argue amongst ourselves and against our parents. The arguments vary: sibling vs. sibling, two siblings vs. one sibling, and sibling(s) vs. parent(s). When we were younger, I don’t remember getting into fights with my siblings or even arguing with my parents. It is when we have grown up that we tend to argue over differing perspectives amongst ourselves and our parents. I strongly believe that this is a key part of growing up and trying to find one’s own authentic identity. Sometimes, the arguments get heated, and unkind words are exchanged. As siblings, we have learned to have candid talks without interruption or judgment. We also genuinely ask for forgiveness and say what it is we are going to work on moving forward. We also remind each other when someone is not living up to their end of the bargain. With our parents, each has their own ways of dealing, depending on the situation.

Siblings are a gift that keeps giving. To build stronger relations, communication is key, as is enjoying shared interests, seeking forgiveness, and changed behavior when arguments happen. Tell me, how are you keeping strong bonds with your siblings in a very busy world?